u are so sweet, aren’t you
i appreciate that everyone is different, i appreciate that people have a right to say “no” to things, i appreciate that attraction isn’t something we have control over but i’m getting terribly bored of being “shot down”.
i think it’s the same with a lot of people; you finally work up the courage to ask someone out and they reject you - fair enough. so you go away, licking your wounds until you meet someone else you become rather enamored with and that infatuation spills over and you feel as if there can be no real harm in letting that person know you’re interested in them; they have every right in the world to not be interested in you and as luck would have it; they’re not. so you start feeling really quite dreadful about yourself and you create this pros and cons list in your head and of course the cons seem to vastly outweigh the pros, or the individual cons are so dreadful that one con is equal to several pros in volume and you “understand” why no one is interested in you and become very “woe-is-me” for a short time.
i’m terribly dull but i can’t help but wonder if my transsexuality is sometimes a pawn in this game; perhaps gay men cannot see themselves with me because of “what i am”,perhaps i shall have more luck when i “”“”“”“”pass”“”“”“”“, perhaps i’ve just had a stroke of bad luck recently???
also, gay men need to stop telling me that my body is “typically unattractive” to gay men and that its “understandable” why they’re not “willing” to go out with me.
or in other words: i’m very hard up and haven’t had sex in a while and i’m getting kinda pissed about it.
(side note: outside of all this i also have a habit of falling for straight men, who can i see to fix my gaydar? its on the fritz)
at work i talked with customers about bengal cats, dostoyevsky/kafka/camus, the magnetic fields and how brown shoes are the best colour for shoes.
my friend came in and said “are you taking pictures of yourself on my bed?”
the more days that pass the more i hate the fact i don’t have a penis, the more alien it feels. i keep telling myself that when i am able to feel more comfortable in my body, when i have top surgery, when i have been on testosterone for a while then these negative feelings towards my genitals will subside or become easier to live with, but i think more than anything that i’m in denial. how can one accept themselves if what they have been given is so far removed from what they need or desire?
i still have days where i feel physically sick because of how i am. i am not ashamed to be a trans man, it is fact and that’s how i turned out. what i am ashamed about is my inability to cope with the dissonance between body and brain, i am ashamed at how wrong i am every time i am shown the true image of my body, i am ashamed that i still get startled because i intend to piss standing up and have to realise so many times that i cannot, i am ashamed because too many gay men have shown me that there is no room for me in their world, i am ashamed because of the look i get when i come out to people. there is shame in every inch of my existence and i am ashamed that i cannot control my shame.
i feel as if my sexuality is being packed away, shoved into a tiny container and that i am being scolded every time i try to reach for that pandora’s box. i feel as if i am not allowed access my own sexuality because i am constantly being told that my body is appropriating something that is not mine to engage in. i cannot masturbate, i cannot watch porn. the shame that tidal-waves over me is too much to deal with.
does it get easier with time?
please send in your answers on a postcard…
i have been reading about coffee and drinking tea all afternoon~~~
i got instagram and it only took me 2 years
this very cute gay guy that i had a crush on for a while told me that i fascinated him, said he’d like to know me more because i was so intriguing. i think i was just in denial because i foolishly thought that he was attracted to me, when it should have been obvious that my transsexuality was fascinating to him, and not me as a person.
my transsexuality trumps me at every turn.
it seems to be the only thing people ever want to talk about with me.
i know i mention it here a lot but its my venting zone. talk to me about books, art, pornography; i dont want to talk about being trans unless i initiate it.
the other weekend the security guard at a gay club pointed out that the men’s toilets were upstairs and whilst i was in there another security guard came to escort me out. i told him i was a guy and he started to argue with me. some stranger tried to push me out of the way of the cubicle, saying “whatever, i need to piss” so i shoved him into the security guard; “uh? so do i.”